Blood is Always Thicker

While most businesses thrive on transactions focusing on money, materials and services, health institutions have more than that. What patients (their ‘clients’) have at stake are their health, and eventually, their lives. Money, materials and services may be undone in case of miscalculations and mishaps, but a life may not. I just can’t imagine how doctors can thrive on medical prescriptions to their weary but brave patients, with the hope of recovering even at the most impossible stature.

To work in a health institution, one should be at most, emotionally prepared. Most doctors should treat every patient with utmost courtesy, intergrity and professionalism. Patients should be treated not as some business partner, but a family member. In this way, medication would be given at its best to the patient. Money and services would not be the fulfilling rewards for the physician, but the recovery and the betterment of the needy.

I’m proud to be working (for the meantime) on a highly-sophisticated eye clinic. I’m looking at the medical technologists operate technologically advanced ophthalmic machines, like the eye laser, the perimeter (cataract examiner) and the retina (inside of the eye) camera. I’m at the command of the best ophthalmologists, having finished their residency training in their respective field of specialization from different medical institutions in and out of the country.

It is always a tough job having everyday inside the clinic. Every now and then, errands have to be run through. I have to go this place to buy something, go to this bank to deposit or encash checks(bad thing is, there are three banks of different locations!), create vouchers and letters, collect all receipts for accounting, and so much more. When having mishaps, there goes the sermon from the bosses. Times have come that I have take lunch 3 pm and dinner 12 midnight.

But to be honest, its not the job that makes life hard in the clinic. I’ve been in these situations back in the college days. Might as well say ‘been there; done that’. Its more than that…

On the second floor of the building, there’s the hemodialysis center. It is where patients with malfunctioning kidneys are brought to have their blood cleansed with the use of machines. Its like having blood transfusion, only that the old blood comes out of the body and then machine filtered and then it goes back to the body. There are at least a hundred hemo patients a day, which is not a big surprise, since the hospital is an excellent place for kidney disorders and ailments.

The hemo patients came from all walks of life. Mostly older people, and all are weak. Some are rich enough to have a car for transport and some on taxis. Some borrow wheelchairs from the hospital while some have their customized contraptions.

I once had a chance to take a look at the surroundings of the hemo center. It is a big room, like a hospital ward, with all the machines and the patients at the side and a control center of some sort at the center. Looking through the place, I saw all the patients helplessly rely on machines as their love ones stand beside them, cheering them up, giving hope.

These patients are the ones that’s giving me a hard time staying at the hospital.

Years ago, my mother was also a hemo patient. Her kidneys failed to function due to complications of diabetes. She had her dialysis at a clinic in Marikina. She had to go there through our majestic coach, the blue FHNAPICOTODA tricycle, with my father as the chauffer. He would carry my mom to the hemo room as they arrive there. Two 4-inch needles have to be pierced through the arms for the dialysis to start. It took four hours for a complete hemo routine. Once I witnessed the routine, and I can see the pain from my mom’s face as blood came coming in and out of her body. Worse, she had to endure that twice a week, not to mention the cost it takes every session.

However, it didn’t save her.

She passed away eventually, and her last moments are the most painful memories I have. It was my birthday then when she felt delirious we all though she’d died that day. Three days later, it was most unfortunate of me not to be beside her when she closed her eyes.

Until now, all birthdays that I had never felt happy, for three days after, another commemoration has to be done. Losing her is just far worse than not celebrating any birthday at all.

Though it’s been almost seven years ago, there is still the pain and bitterness, especially when I see those patients and their love ones drawing hope out of thin air undergoing those hemo sessions. Its just like lengthening the suffering of the patient, like torture. Although sessions through the machine are constantly done, the toxins in the blood may have been starting to poison the body, as the constant cleaner of the blood, the kidney, has refused to do its job. Its having false hopes of a full recovery. It’s a waste of money and time. I’d like to scream all the hurt and hopelessness to them but I refuse to; I’m never in the position.

After my mom’s death, there are lots of changes in the family. My father refuses to believe in doctors, blaming them why mom has to suffer further. He’s always on guard with my sister and me against diabetes, controlled intakes of sugars and carbohydrates. He will be furious with packs of sweets he sees in the fridge. He would always iterate mom’s suffering when he’s getting angry, defying the thought of having passing that situation and oathed never again will we witness another suffering like that. My sister works with doctors who specializes in the eye, which was one of the defects mom underwent in her hard times. She even worked for a diabetes awareness campaign in her early years in the research business. As for me, the horror of those delirious days, the trauma of her lengthened pains and the regret of not being at her side when she needed me the most will haunt me forever.

Yet again, I must face through the ghost of my past to see what’s ahead, other that getting terrified of the ghost that shaped the man I am today.

Sacrificial and martyr for those who I care for…

That will be the ME for the rest of my days…

Ang Alamat ng Tseke

Inaantok na ako…

Nagpupumulit nang magdikit ang talukap ng aking mga mata…

Hinihila na ng malambot na kama ang katawan ko…

Pero hindi maari!

Hindi ako makakapayag na lumipas ang isang gabi habang taglay ko ang saloobin nakalakip sa aking pagkatao…

Kailangang kong maisulat ang kwento ko ngayong gabi… ay mali… umaga na pala…

(Anu vah!? May ganung intro pa talaga?)

Nitong mga nakaraang araw, parang nagbuhos ng tangahan ang Diyos at lumabas ako ng bahay na may planggana sa ulo… Andami kong nasalo!

Tuesday yun. Pinapupunta ako ni ate sa UP Manila para magdeliver ng papers. Minamadali ako (as usual) dahil until lunch time ineexpect ang package dun sa patutunguhan. 10:30 pa lang binigay na ang package na idedeliver ko. Dalawang kopya ng cash vouchers at isang cheke. Inispect ko muna. Humingi ako ng envelope para may mapaglagyan at nang hindi malukot ang mga kapapelan. Sinilid ko yung mga papers sa envelope na binigay ni ate. Kumpleto. Tatlong papel. Dalawang short bonds at isang cheque. Bago ako lumabas ng pinto, hinabol ko pa yung isang papel dahil walang pirma dun si ate, unlike the other one. Pirma naman si ate. Minadali nanaman ako, dahil 11 na ng umaga, at manggagaling pa ako ng dulo ng East Avenue at babaybayin ang daan papuntang Pedro Gil. Bitbit ang envelope, kampante akong umalis ng clinic at lumabas ng hospital, with an mp3 player headset stuck into my ear. Naghanap ako ng taxi sa gate ng hospital. Pagkakita sa unang taxing dumating, pinara ko na. Sumakay at nagbigay ng instructions. Pagkaupo ko sa likod ng taxi, tiningnan ko yung envelope. Pagbukas ko ng evelope, sinilip ko ang mga papel..

Isa… dalawa…

????

Isa… dalawa…

Bakit dalawang lang to…?

…

…

…

WALA YUNG TSEKE!!!!!

Dali-dali kong pinabalik ang taxi sa hospital. Tinuro ko na ang fastest way, due to time constraints.

“Kuya, dito na tayo sa kanan dumaan, para mabilis, traffic eh. May nahulog yata sa dala ko..”

“Saan, ser?”

“Sa kanan po…”

Palinga-linga ang driver, humahanap ng kalyeng lilikuan sa kanan.

“Ser, baka sa kaliwa?”

“Ay, oo, dyan po.”

Ngumiti ang driver. Kahit na medyong magandang lalaki ito eh pang-inis ang ngiti. Bakit kaya?

Tumingin ako sa kamay ko…

NAKATURO PALA AKO SA KALIWA, pero kanan ang sinabi!

Pagdating sa hospital, karipas ako ng takbo at hinanap sa buong hospital at clinic ang tseke. Pagdating ko sa clinic, nakita daw nilang lahat na sinilid ko yung mga papel sa envelope. Tatlong papel. Kaya dala ko yun pag-labas ko ng clinic hanggang sa paglabas ng hospital.

“Baka nahulog mo.”

“Lintek, babalatan ako ng buhay ni ate!”

“Sabihin mo na, para macancel yung check agad!”

Shempre, as honesty is concerned, sinabi ko ke ate. Agad. At shempre, todo sermon ang natanggap ko. Buti na lang pala at company ang nakapangalan sa tseke, para kahit sinumang makapulot, hindi magiging cash. Agad na pinacancel ang tseke at gumawa ng bago. Tsaka ko lang nakita ang amount ng cheque…

P23,000+!!!!!

11:30 na nang matapos ang sermunan habang nagpapalit ng check. Para makasiguro, nung nilagay ko ang mga papel sa envelope, pinaste ko, para hindi bumukas. Lalo akong minadali ni ate kaya karipas ulit ako ng takbo pag-alis ng clinic.

Nang makasakay ako ng taxi, pagkasabi ko sa driver kung saan pupunta (at nagpatong pa ng trenta pesos sa metro, na tinaggap ko na dahil sa pagmamadali), nangangatog ako…

Hindi ko gusto ang eksena kapag nangagatog ako…

Bigla na lang, napaluha ako. Tuloy-tuloy na parang automatic na gripo. Magkahalong pagkapahiya at takot ang nararamdaman ko nang mga sandaling yun. Hindi ko na alintana na halos lumipad na ang taxi sa bilis ng pagmamaneho. Hindi mabilang na mga sasakyan ang nilagpasan namin. 11:45 na, nasa Pantranco pa lang ako. Shempre, hindi maiiwasan na magtraffic lalo na sa España lalo na’t tanghalian, break ng mga students ng UST at magtatawiran. Halos isumpa ko lahat ng bagay na magpapatigil sa byahe, mula sa mga sumasayaw pa kunong patrolman kahit na buhol-buhol na traffic hanggang sa mga estudyanteng para lang naglalakad sa buwan habang tumatawid.

Nung makarating ako sa Taft, ewan ko ba bakit sa may Padre Faura ako bumaba, siguro dahil traffic sa may Pedro Gil nung sandaling yun. Nakababa na at nakaalis na ang taxi ng maisip ko…

TATAWID PA PALA AKO NG PGH BAGO MAKARATING NG UP MANILA!!!

Mabilis ang lakad ko, wala na akong pakilaman kung sino ang masagi, say Sorry na lang, ok na yun. Take note, PGH yun, malawak, nakakaligaw. Wala akong choice kundi magtanong-tanong. Sinasagot naman ang mga tanong ko, pero hanbang dumarami ang pinagtatanungan ko, lalo ata akong naliligaw. Parang maze pala ang PGH, daming pasikot-sikot. Mahapdi na ang mata ko sa mga pawis na tumutulo mula sa noo ko.

Sa wakas, nakarating din ako sa bukana ng gate ng UP Manila na tumatagos mula sa PGH. Ininterrogate pa ako ng guard kung saan ako pupunta. Ok lang sana ang tinanong nya. Pero ung sumunod na hirit nya ang kinairita ko.

“Sir, student ba kayo dito?”

MALAMANG, HINDI! Nakaputi ba ako?

Nung sinabi kong messenger ako, hala, lalo akong hindi pinapasok. At dumami ang tanong ng guard!

“Saan nyo dadalhin yan?”

“Ano yan?”

“Para kanino?”

“Pwede po ba makita? Security lang ser.”

Wala naman akong choice. Protocol nga naman.

“Sir, para po kay Dra. (Bleeep)”

“Ay ganun po ba? Kayo po ba yung sa (Bleep) na maghahatid ng tseke kay doktora?”

Ibroadcast daw talaga na maghahatid ako ng tseke?

“Sige sir, dito po ang daan.”

Drop-the-name lang pala ang formula. Taray naman.

In fairness, classic ang UP Manila. Structures na centuries-old na pero still strong, uniform na all-white, mga students na walang alam kundi mag-aral kahit nakaupo lang sa mga bench..

Na-I-pit-ang-I-pis-sa-pin-to-pi-PING-pi-pi… ahhhh

Na-I-pit-ang-I-pis-sa-pin-to-pi-PING-pi-pi… ahhhh

Na-I-pit-ang-I-pis-sa-pin-to-pi-PING-pi-pi… ahhhh

Ay, taray, PULSE, may UP Manila chapter na?

Hindi. Chorale ng UP Manila pala, nagvovocalize sa isang vacant room.

Awwww… na miss ko kumanta.

Narating ko ang building na hinahanap ko. Tiningnan ko muna sa bulletin ang list ng mga rooms at hinanap ko si doktora. Aba, propesor pala ng UP, no wonder…

Sa kinamalas-malas, lunch time na pala. Naghintay ako ng isang oras sa lobby ng building bago ko naibigay ang envelope kay doktora. Mabait naman siya, tinanggap yung chek.

“Kumain ka na, iho?”

“Sa clinic na lang po ako kakain pagbalik ko po.”

“Okey, sige, mag-ingat pag-uwi.”

“Salamat po. Good afternoon po.”

“Salamat din, iho.”

Umalis ako ng UP Manila dala ang isang panata.

Hinding-hindi na ako hahawak ng tseke! Hinding hindi na!

Sa byahe ko pag-uwi, nagtext si ate.

“Kuya, nabigay mo?”

“Yes, package delivered to doktora. Ayoko nang maglakad ng mga tseke!”

Nagreply si ate.

“Bukas pala, Kuya, pa pick-up ng tseke sa Makati, tsaka ibayad mo na sa Manila Bulletin yung para sa ad natin. Tseke din yun.”

WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Raptusinco! Part 5

Three hundred and sixty five days has passed since I wrote the first article in this blog. I could still remember trying to figure out what to write, how to design the blog ang how to use the site per se. I laughed, I cried, I shouted, I fell in love, I reacted on current events, I resented through the words and pictures. Months had passed without any updates and entries due to harsh schoolwork and organizationwork. Thanks to a dear friend, Wanda’s blog came my way. His quips on his queer life inspired me to rekindle my literature. My fire for writing came sprouting again, looking for fresh ways to be unleashed and thoughts to be laid in words. Tempus Fugit, really. I can’t believe that one year has passed with me and my blog.

For this anniversary entry, I would like to enumerate five of the most influential groups of people that marked something, in a way or another in this crazy life of mine. God has a great purpose why these people came into my life, and to commemorate them is the purpose of this listing. And now, for the list… tanananan tanan…

1. PATTS Universal League of Singing Enthusiasts (PULSE)

Mi-me-mi-ma-mi-mo-mu-mu... Mi-me-mi-ma-mi-mo-mu-mu... Mi-me-mi-ma-mi-mo-mu-mu-mi-me... Una na shempre ang pinakasisinta kong choir, kase I just left them. Intentionally, habang ginagawan ko ng article ang PULSE as of the time, I’m listening to one of the recordings (Shala, no?) of the choir, which happens to be a personal favorite, “Give Me Wings”. The lyrics, especially the chorus are just so striking to me

Give me the wings, of an eagle I will soar, into the skies.
Give me strength, to hold a brother’s hand, as he’s passing by.
Give me the eyes, of tomorrow, let me see, what I can find.
If you lead me, I will follow now, give me wings to fly.

Paano ko ba naman malilimutan ang choir na ito? Eh sila ang nagsave sa akin back when my studies in Aero are making bad turns. Aside from the fact the mahilig makakakanta ang mga tao sa group na to, lahat sila eh mga close friends ko. There goes the Babies (ang mga Altos) na super sweet and caring and really united, the Sopranos na lagi kong ginagaya (Ilusyunadang Soprano nga daw ako eh sabi nila, kamusta naman ang falsetto nyahahahahaha), the Tenors na naging pakana kung bakit Boy Piyok ang isa pang tawag sa akin (Balutin mo ako…) and or course, ang mga kabaro kong Basses na lalaking-lalaki (pre, walang bakla sa bass huh.. pakiss nga wahahahahahaha) na ang mga boses, gwapong-gwapo pa, ang aming knight in shining gums na si Richard (The conductor / trainor) at ang mga advisers na sina Ma’am Rish (na long time kachokaran ko na.. since wala pa ang PULSE) at ang Tatay namin, si Sir Deo. Tinagurian pinakamaingay kaming organization (malamang, kasi kumakanta) basta nagkasama-sama ang mga yan at walang magawa. Sila lang ang nakakatawag sa akin ng Baboone at Boonita (adik sa pangalan, diba?) They are the ones who thaught me to be strong not by being alone my myself, but by having the people around, standing by them and learning from the worst in life while sharing the gift of the soul. Music.

2. The Aeronautical Engineering Batch 2007

Eto naman ang mga kasangga ko sa kursong Aeronautical Engineering. Limang taong naming sabay-sabay na tinahak ang daan patungo sa graduation at eventually, to Engineership (SHEEEEET srap pakinggan). Mula sa pitong section na halos 40 students per section, nareduce ng nareduce hanggang sa maging 70+ na students ang nakapagtapos nung March.

Kamusta naman ang limang taon mga pre?

Mula sa Algebra hanggang sa Design 2, Comm. Arts hanggang sa Engineering Business Correspondence. Sa mga kopyahan ng quiz, nakakalunod ng mga photocopies, REPORTS (kaya laging napupuyat), projects, laboratories (na mostly wala namang ginagawa), sa mga Prelims, Midterms at Finals, Foundation Days, Christmas parties, inuman, iyakan, laugh trips, bahingan (go Ellyn! Woooooiiiiichuu!), DotAhan, WoWan, AEROtours at Hot-Air Balloon Festivals, Mr. and Ms. PATTS, Graduation Ball at marami pang iba, salamat sa mga memories. Sa OSA, Registrar, Accounting, Cashier, Clinic, Canteen, Gymnasium, Chapel; salamat sa pagsuporta at pagtulong. Sa T-square, Techpen, french curve, scientific calculator, notebooks, binders, ballpens, flexible curve, triplus (Plugging!); salamat sa mga oras na pinagsamahan; puyatan, pagrurush, paghaharot (nyahahahahaha). Sa mga propesor na nagbigay ng kaalaman sa loob ng limang taon, hindi kailanman matatawaran ang ginawa nyo sa amin. Walang halaga ng pera ang kayang ipalit sa mga pangaral sa buhay na binahagi nyo. Sa mga naging bahagi ng AERO, PSC, PFA, Aeroscope, naging Summa, Magna at Cum Laude, Platinum at Silver Wings Awardee, I’m so proud of you guys. You made my stay in PATTS worthwhile and to be cherished throughout my fuckin life.

3. Cute Boys in Town (CBIT)

Marami ang nagtatanong kapag nakita ang contacts list sa fone ko, “Ano ibig sabihin ng CBIT?” O ayan, nasagot na rin sa wakas. This is a group of open-minded individuals (pasosyal na term para sa mga queers ahihihi) who believes in wholistic (thanks to kuya Rex for this term!) approach in love. This organization believes in the sanctity of sex and long-term relationships (ayaaan, kaya forever na single! Wahihihi). Every GEB, ang sarap ng bonding moments. Walang boring times. Kung saan saan nang nakarating ang mga gatherings; Malate, Antipolo (Hinulugang Taktak), Quezon Circle, Intramuros, Baywalk, CCP, YMCA Makati, Star City (Woooow… Birthday ko nun!!!), Laguna. Kahit na abutan kami ng magdamag kagagawa ng kahit na anong activities at inaabutan pa ng araw, ayos lang, kasi hindi lang basta activities yun, talagang applicable sa pang-araw-araw na buhay (gaya ng kung ano ang da best na lubricant, sex positions.. joke lang!!! Wahahahahahah).

Iba talaga ang bonding kapag may common denominator kayong lahat. Makakarelate kasi ang bawat isa sa mga experiences and situations ng bawat isa so, if someone needs a hand, to the rescue lahat.

Maraming bagay na maaring hindi kayang intindihin ng iba ang syang nagbubuklod sa aming lahat. Pandirihan at libakin man kami ng buong mundo, hahaharapin namin ito ng nakataas ang ulo at kilay (joke!). Its been very inspiring what the founder, Kuya Rex told us,

“Ang pagiging bisexual o bakla eh nasa iyo na, simula pa lang. Ikaw na ang makakadiskobre kung kalian. Pwede kang mamili. Tanggapin mo ang pagkatao mo at maging totoo sa sarili at sa iba, o habang buhay kang manatili sa buhay na puro pagkukunwari at pagbabalatkayo. (Shhhheeeeetttt ang lalim nun pre!) Ito ay ang bigay sa atin ng Diyos na pagkatao, isang regalo. Kung paano natin ito tatanggapin at sasangkapanin para makatulong sa iba at sa ikabubuti ng nakakarami ang sya nating handog sa Kanya.” Bow!

Dalawang taon na rin ang lumipas noong mabuo kami. Hindi man kami nagkikita dahil sa trabaho at kanya-kanyang buhay, I know that the spirit of the principles of CBIT is still embedded in the hearts of the members.

4. Four St. John and PCC Corps of Cadets batch Agidon / Delubyo.

Unique as it is, 4-St. John was the home of the so-called Homo 2 students from Pasig Catholic College batch 2001. Ikalawa man sa lahat ng bagay, from academic ranking to class awards, una pa rin sa bonding ang class na ito. Imagine having 39 girls and 10 boys, kamusta naman yun? I haven’t been to a reunion with the class, but there’s Friendster naman to check on all the gals and guys. I’m not sure kung anon a ang nangyari sa mga classmates ko, hope everyone is doing fine.

Agidon is actually the tagalong term for Griffin, a mythical creature with lion’s body, eagle’s head and serpent’s tail. Delubyo naman means destruction. This is the name of the Corps of Officers.

You read it right, folks, CAT officer ako nung high school!

I’m the Corps Operations and Intelligence Officer S2/3. Katuwa nga eh, direct opposites. Isang tahimik at isang maingay na officer, pinagsama sa iisang tao (kaya ako natuto ng double personality… toinks!). Resourcefulness, courtesy and hardwork are three of the things I learned from CAT. Hangga’t may paraan, gawan ng paraan! (ahihihi make sense?) Kapag may dadaan, greet mo ng “Sir, Good Morning Sir!” Kahit hindi si Ser Venson (the commandant). Naalala ko tuloy pati principal na babae, one morning nabati ko ng “Sir, Good Morning Sir!” Sayang, snappy pa naman

5. The Magic Ten…

Beauty contest?

Hindi po… Sila ang sampung taong tumatak sa puso ko! (YAAAAK baduy but true!)

Maniwala po kayo o sa hindi, sampu na po ang taong dumaan sa buhay ko na nag-iwan ng kurot sa aking matigas na puso (Ta***na ang baduy talaga!) Huwag nyo na tangkaing tanungin kung ano at sino-sino, for their own safety and privacy. Sila yung nagbigay kulay sa aking mapusyaw ng pagkatao. Binigyan nila ng mas malalim na kahulugan ang buhay ko. Saksi ang ilang lugar sa mga pag-ibig kong isiniwalat; Baywalk, Wildlife, Luneta (swear totoo po yan!), Pasig Cathedral. Tanging mga alaala na lamang ang aking tangan sa bawat pag-ibig na yan. Naramdaman ko na marunong pala ako magmahal at pwede pala akong mahalin ng isang tao sa kabila ng pagkukulang at kapintasan ko. Kahit na paano, naranasan ko na palang humamak ng dahil sa pag-ibig. Kailanma’y may mga alaalang laging magpapatibay ng kasabihang.

“O pag-ibig na makapangyarihan, kapag Ika’y nasok sa puso ninuman, hahamakin ang lahat, masundot ka lamang…”

Anu daw?

Oist, bad yan iniisip mo kapatid…

Should you think you, my reader doesn’t include in any of the five, don’t you worry. Being a reader has made you some life “kakarelate” experiences closer to me, ok?

Till the next Raptusinco!

Ngapala, Happy Anniversary Frozen Sonatas; Blazing Chants!!!

More entries to come!

Lamentations of the Blind Man… in Colors

“What’s the color of my teeth?”
"Beige! Off-white! Ecru! Stucco! Mother of Pearl!”

When I remember these immortal lines from a commercial of a toothpaste 10 years ago, I can’t help but get annoyed. Imagine toddlers can recognize such variety of colors! If I’m one of the kids there, I’d simply say…

“Yellowish! Magtooth brush ka kasi teacher!”

Wahahahahahaha

Since I was a kid, lagi na lang ako napapahiya kapag kulay na ang usapan.

Naalala ko tuloy nung kinder pa ako, pinagdala kami ng mga art papers. Tapos pinatayo kami sa harap ng class to pick our favorite color. Nung turn ko na, medyo nanginginig pa ako pagpunta ko sa harap. Afraid sa audience pa ang eksena ko, kahit ang mga kaharap ko lang eh ang mga mangilang-ilang autistic kong classmates at ang napakaganda kong teacher. Yabang pa ng banat ko…

“My favorite color is the color of the sky, Blue!!!” sabay taas ng isang art paper.

Wahahahahahahahahahaha! Humagalpak ng tawa ang buong klase, pati ang mga autistic kong classmates, naglingunan sa harap just to laugh. Kitang-kita pa ang mga bungi at sirang ngipin ng iba kaya lalong kainis.

“Boone, that’s not blue, that’s violet!” nakangiting sabi ng teacher ko, na obvious na nagpipigil lang tumawa.

Iyak na lang ako pag-upo, napahiya ako eh…

Tapos minsan, coloring activity naman. Binigyan kami ng picture ng landscape sa isang piece ng paper. Yun bang may drawing ng mountains, farm, seas, kubo tapos may araw sa likod ng mountain na nakasmiley face pa. Ang instruction, kulayan ang picture. Simple diba? Eh nung mga panahong yun, hindi ko pa nadiscover na may pangalan pala ang 24 na crayons ko sa gilid so kung anong matipuhang kulay na sa tingin ko eh ok na, go, kulay na ito. After the activity, shempre, explain ulit ng ginawa.

Ako ang unang tinawag!

Edi go, explain explain habang nakataas ang aking masterpiece. Kesyo the color of the mountain is brown, blue ang seas, green ang farm at yellow ang sun. Tama naman ang color scheme diba? Yun nga lang, iba pala ang nakikita nilang lahat.

Carnation pink ang seas, yellow orange ang farm na kulay **e daw, brown nga ang mountains pero may black sa taas kaya nagmukhang bulkan, orange ang kubo at ang higit sa lahat… yellow green ang nakasmile na sun.

Shempre, laughing galore ang klase, pati ang teacher. Iyak na lang ako pag-upo.

Nung elementary naman ako, nagkaroon kami ng project na color wheel. Gumawa daw ng circle at ipakita kung saan ang primary, seconday at tertiary colors. Shempre, dahil level-up na ang powers kong magbasa, wala akong mali sa color wheel dahil nababasa ko na ang mga kulay sa gilid ng crayons ko. Edi gawa muna ako ng circle at dinivide sa 12 para makulayan. Naglagay pa ako ng pangalan sa bawat ‘pizza slice’ para mas madali. Go, kulay kulay. Nung matapos ako, takang-taka ako bakit parang iisang kulay lang ang violet, blue violet at blue pati ang yellow, yellow orange at orange. Hindi ako matahimik. Hanggang sa pasahan ng project eh hindi ko madistinguish ang pagkakaiba ng anim.

Tapos Grade 2 ata ako nun, naligo kami ng mga kapitbahay sa ulan, keber nang hubo’t hubad ako nun, wala naman malisya (tsaka lahat kami hubo’t hubad nun!). After nung ulan, nagsigawan ang mga kalaro ko habang nakaturo sa skies, “May rainbow! May rainbow oh!” Shempre tingin naman kaming lahat sa skies.

May rainbow nga! Woooow!

Usap at turo ng colors ng rainbow ang sumunod na eksena. Hindi ko mawari kung saan nanggaling ang lintek na ROYGBIV na pinagsasabi nila. Yellow at blue lang kaya ang nakikita ko. Defend to the max naman ang mga friends.

“Ayun oh, yung red, orange at yellow, green, blue, indigo(anong kulay yan?) at violet”

“Saan ba dyan? Yellow at blue lang nakikita ko.”

“Ayun oh, ganda kaya ng combinations.”

“Saan nga?”

“Ayun oh, bulag naman to.”

Ilang minuto pang pagtatalo…

“Ayan, wala na tuloy ang rainbow.”

Kamot na lang ako ng ulo at umuwi para magbanlaw.

Nung grade six nman ako, project naman namin noon ang Advent Wreath. Magpapasko kasi at Catholic school kami, kaya lahat ng ecclesiastical event, pati piyesta ng Santa Santita, kelangan icelebrate. Kailangan ng violet, pink at gold na ribbons na itatali sa kandila na nakatayo sa isang green na donut na binilot ng green na crepe paper, pinira-pirasong dyaryo at alambre. Shempre, dahil medyo matanda na, ako na ang bumili sa grocery ng mga gamit. Sa kinatanga-tanga ko rin, hindi ko na tinanong sa saleslady kung anong kulay nung bibilhin kong ribbons, basta mukhang violet, hala turo at bumili ng dalawang yarda. Pagdating sa bahay…

“Bakit blue itong binili mo, anak? Diba dapat violet?” tanong ni mama.

“Hindi po ba violet to, mama?"

Balik ako ng grocery at bumili ulit.

High school. United Nations celebration. Ako ang naasign na gumawa ng mga flags na maliliit na ilalagay sa buong classroom. Ang country yata namin noon eh Syria, kaya ang flag eh black, white, red at dalawang green stars na maliit dun sa white. Sa kamalas-malasan naman, nagbrownout sa lugar namin nung gabing ginagawa ko yung mga flags. So gupit and dikit on candlelight ang drama. At dahil yellow ang light ng kandila (alam ko yun, alam ko yun!!!) Hindi ko makita ang green at red.

Ah bahala na, basta gupit at dikit na lang.

Kinabukasan, judging ng mga classrooms sa decors ng bansang nirerepresent nila. Maaga akong dumating para magdikit ng mga little flags, kasama ng mga classmates kong naglalagay ng buhangin sa sahig ng classroom para mukhang desert daw at ang aming Miss Libya na pinagmukha nilang muslim. Maya-maya, dumating ang adviser namin. Umikot sya at naginspect ng progress namin. Tumingin sya sa dingding…

“O, bakit baliktad ang green at red? Diba dapat green stars? Bakit red ito?”

Ayun, minus points ang buong class. Mali daw yung flag, sabi ng mga judges. Kala ko makakalusot.

College. First year. Nagparequire ang isang professor na bumili ng book sa Algebra, kulay green. Binigay pa ang author at publication company ekek. Pagdating ko sa bookstore..

“Miss, may Algebra book kayo by (author)?”

“Meron po sir, wait lang po huh.”

Pagbalik ng saleslady, may dala siyang book.

“Sir, eto po.”

“Miss, sure ka ito yun? Wala na kayo ibang kulay?” (bakit ko ba tinanong to?)

“Ayan lang po yun sir.”

“Kasi sabi ng prof ko, it should be green, yellow to eh.”

Ngumiti ang saleslady. Sir, green po yan…”

“Ah ganun ba? Thank you miss...”

Diretso ako ng cashier. Pinagpapawisan akong nagbayad ng book. Hindi ko man tinitingnan yung saleslady na nagbigay nung book pero alam kong nakangiti sya sa akin nung dumaan ako.

Third year. Wala ako ginagawa sa bahay. Pinagtripan ko yung webpage ng CBIT yahoo group. Gagawin kong monochromatic blue ang webpage para abstract ang dating. Punta ako sa edit colors page at nagexperimento. Hala basta makapili at maganda sa mata, ok na. Hanggang sa masatisfy ako at sinave ko ang colors ng webpage.

Nagonline ang mga friends at nagcomment..

“Baklang-bakla naman ang nagdesign ng page… Tingnan nyo naman ang colors… Violet, pink and indigo! Wahahahahaha!”

Never na akong gumalaw ng webpage. Ever.

Nung nasa PULSE pa ako, ako ang nagdesign ng tshirt ng batch namin. Shempre, dahil choir, alam ko ang theme. Music. Black ang color ng shirt kaya dapat light lahat ng kulay. Pumili ako ng pinakamagandang font para sa backside ng shirt, nakasulat kasi doon ang full name na PATTS Universal League of Singing Enthusiasts. Maganda ang kinalabasan ng design. Logo, staff at name ng choir lang ang nakalagay sa shirt pero napaganda talaga. Excited pa akong ipakita sa choir ang ipagmalaki ang finished product na shirt. Nung dumating yung shirt…

“O see, diba ang ganda ng backside? Name lang ng choir in color blue…”

Tahimik ang choir…

“Violet kaya yan, kuya.” sabi ni Ysa

“Ah ganun? Pero at least maganda ang font...”

Bumawi pa, palpak naman…

Wash day. Saturday, shempre, kanya-kanyang porma ang mga students. Trip ko noon mag monochromatic, para maiba naman. Lagi kasing jeans and shirts eh. Suot ako ng “brown” na polo, brown na slacks at suede shoes. Cool diba? Pagpasok ko pa lang sa gate ng school, sigaw agad ang isang friend ko from afar. Sigaw talaga, pramis.

“Oi, Boone, bakit ganyang suot mo? Para kang naglalakad na puno, green at brown! Saan ka itatanim? Sa La Mesa dam? Tamang-tama may reforestation project dun. Wahaha!!”

Gusto ko matunaw sa gitna ng quadrangle pagdaan ko…

Sa dami ng kapalpakan ko sa mga kulay, na trauma na tuloy ako. Yung dati kong pangarap na mag Flight Engineer, natakot na akong gawin, baka magkamali-mali ako ng tinging sa signal lights ng mga eroplano, disgrasya sigurado ang abot. Pati pagpipiloto at pagpaflight steward, hindi na rin pwede, bawal daw kasi ang colorblind dun. Everytime na tatanungin ako ng kulay, never naging declarative sentence ang sagot ko. Laging tanong, never kasi akong naging sure. Kung may bibilhin ako sa grocery at importante ang kulay at hindi nakaspecify ang color sa packaging, kailangan may kasama ako na magtuturo or kailangan na magtanong ako sa saleslady o salesman, kahit na nasa harap ko na pala yung item.

Minsan, nagtanong ako sa boss ng ate ko na isang ophthalmologist kung ano ang sanhi ng colorblind. Nasa registration daw yun ng wavelengths sa mata, na baka nag-overlap yung ibang nerves, kaya hindi ko nakita ang difference between certain colors. Nagpatest din ako for colorblindness, yung may mga bilog bilog tapos hahapin yung number o letter na mabubuo ng magkakatulad na kulay. Ayun, positive nga ako for colorblindness, wala ako makitang symbol. Huhuhu…

Pero at least, may mga phrase na may colors na alam ko ang ibig sabihin. Gaya ng…

“When I’m feeling BLUE, all I have to do, is take a look a you..”

“Kuya, GREEN minded ka talaga…”

Vocal Flower Power...

Just this morning, while lazily scrolling the boob tube for the usual late morning shows, I happen to catch an anime, entitled Pitch Pitchi Pitch. Hindi ko alam pero nung mapanood ko siya, hindi na ako naglipat ng channel, keri nang maka miss ng episode ng Detective Conan o ng mga reruns ng Wansapanataym (Plugging Neckline itu!). Nakakatuwa naman kasi ang PPP, pinaghalo-halong concept ng Sailormoon, Marina at Pussycat Dolls.

You read it right folks!

Lumalaban sila sa pangalan ng pag-ibig at kapayapaan chuva with singing prowess bilang sandata ng mga heroines. Quartet ang formation, at ang usual drama ng mga characters, terno ang kulay ng damit sa kulay ng buhok at mata at sapatos at necklace at panty at bra at bracelets.

The transformation before kabugan portion with the villainesses reminds me truly of Sailormoon. Galing sa mga little shells sa kanilang necklace ang kanilang cue para magtransform na ewan ko ba kung bakit sobraaaang tagal. Ang kanilang power ay nagmumula sa mga overly designed (may mga glitters and beads itu!) na microphones na parang anime version ng Magic Sing na shempre, sunod din sa motif ng hahawak.

Kapag tapos na ang forty billion years na transform at nilahad na ang one liner (‘Sa ngalan ng pag-ibig at kapayaan, tatalunin kita, kami ang Super Twins!’ na level ba), more more sing na ang all-girl band, which is the start of the ligwakan portion. Shempre, hindi na naghirap na magtranslate ang production staff ng kanta nila in Tagalong, baka kasi hindi tumugma sa tono at timing kaya go, kanta na lang in Chinese version, bahala ka na umintindi basta bawi na lang sila sa projection at flowing shining hair. At dahil sa ganda ng blending at harmony ng mga girls natin, ayan, nagtatakip na ng tenga ang mga kalaban, nakakabingi daw ang music nila. (Bitterness itu!) Hindi pa dyan natatapos ang pahirap sa mga kalaban. Kapag helpless na ang mga contravida, ilalabas na ng leader nila (na mukha talagang kakambal ni Usagi ng Sailormoon, promise!) ang kanyang index finger at lalabas na ang mga little hearts na tuluyang liligwak sa mga kalaban. Shempre, may mga flashback scenes muna ang mga contavida nung time na mabait pa sila and everything bago tuluyang maglaho sa karimlan (ang lalem nun pre, karimlan!)

Bakit ko nga ba hinambing sila sa Marina..? Ah, yes, nagtatranform sila into mermaids! Which reminds me… Underwater pala ang setting ng kanilang labanan…

Tambling muna ako… Kumanta sila sa ilalim ng tubig!!! Taraaaaayyy!!

“Look at this stuff, isn’t it neat? Wouldn’t you think my collection’s complete? Would you think I’m the girl, the girl who has… everything!!"

Wahahahahahaha!

Footprints in the Sand...

"When you saw only one set of footprints, those were the times when I carried you.”

-Jesus Christ

It was an sunset.

Some clinicmates and I were enjoying the waters from the shorelines of Sta. Cruz, Zambales. Afternoons on this seashore witnesses the meter-drop low-tides and the dramatic setting of the sun beyond the Pangasinan peninsula. We bathed on the clear waters some 200 feet from the shore and the still waters are just neck-high, our feet being cushioned with the soft sand mixed with the ashes from a volcanic explosion 16 years ago. We are talking anything under the setting sun, from the powers of gluthathione to the beauty of the hacienda-like place we are staying. Getting weary with just standing and bouncing through the small ripples emanating from the South China Sea, I decided to do some floating. I stretched my arms and lied down the salty waters while paddling my legs a bit to maintain the float. I’m lazily floating around like a raft around the folks while listening to the stories when I realized, I’m in a position of a cross, humbly surrendering to the darkening skies…

“There was a bit of editing on the scores of the election, para ikaw ang maging president ng organization. You are the best bet for the organization, so we have to do this…”

“You’re appointed as president of the organization, no one from the nominees accepted eh, so ikaw na lang…”

“Wow, astig, second year ka pa lang, Editor-in-Chief ka na! Congrats tol, ikaw lang ang second year dyan, lahat seniors. Astig ka talaga pre…”

A splash of seawater got in my now reddish eye. It was painful, notwithstanding the pain in the cheekbones from the schorching sun from the late morning sea bathe. I scratched my eye with my left hand to get rid of the salty water that makes it a little more reddish. I forgot, I haven’t stood yet, so the floating body became imbalanced and sunk some feet. I waggled to rise, but I forgot again, the water was just shallow, there are very few chances to drown. I got to my feet and rose again. While taking some jumps of the miniscure waves, there came a pain in my toes. I’m having cramps…

“Nasaan yung ibang officers mo? Bakit ikaw lang ang nagtatrabaho nyan? Umabsent ka nanaman sa class…”

“Dun na kayo sa president namin magtanong nyan, hindi ko alam yan eh…”

“Wala akong pakialam kung may quiz ka, basta’y kailangan kita dito sa publication office. Pumunta ka na kung hindi, ipapabagsak kita sa prof mo sa lintek na quiz na yan…”

Good thing, the cramps ebbed away in a short while. We decided to walk to shore and eventually to the resthouse where we are staying. While feeling the cooling air of the late afternoon, we walked to the shore. I’m marveling at the thought of how low the tides has been. Swimming 20 feet from the shore this morning is suicide, for the waters rose seven to eight feet, as opposed to staying 200 feet from the shore this afternoon. This is manifested by the change in the shoreline, where the wavelines from the morning are purely visible, some meters from the wavelines this afternoon. Upon reaching the shore, we sat on the sands. We have to dry ourselves for a while for our feet not no bring too much sand on the villa’s premises. While looking at the lovely sunset from afar we sat on the beach’s shore. I have never seen such majestic display of colors and scenery. A lowly sun, perfectly setting in the middle of an island far away. The twilight welcomes the depature of the sun in a highly dramatic panorama. Really, sunset here in this place is one of a kind, which rose an idea from one of the girls,

“Buti pa dito sa Zambales, maganda ang sunset, hindi tulad sa Manila…”

“Oo nga, tama ka dyan…”

“Kung yung dati presidente lang yung nakaupo, hindi magkakaganyan yan…”

“Buti pa yung dating may hawak sa organization na yan, hindi tulad mo…”

“Paano ka susundin ng mga subordinates mo, eh mas marami na sila alam kesa sa iyo sa pagpapatakbo ng publication…”

After some minutes, we stood up to start the long walk to the villa. We have to rush because it turning dark fast. While walking, I bowed my head to see if there are any treasures from the seashore. After some steps, I saw three shells, one elongated, one short, and the other one circular. I picked the shells. The colors from the shells are so awesome that I decided to bring them with me as souvenirs, added to the dead corals and emply shells I picked earlier this morning. To my surprise, the shells moved in my hand!

“May paa ang mga shells?”

I flipped the shells and saw little pinchers and antenna protruding from it. It was then I realized, the shells were home to three little hermit crabs. I showed the creatures to the group, and everyone was fascinated.

“Iuuwi mo ba ang mga iyan?” asked by one of the men.

“Yung shell lang sana iuuwi ko, kaso mawawalan ng tirahan yung mga hermit crabs, kawawa naman.”

“Eh ano balak mo dyan?”

Without hesitation, I carefully dropped the hermit crabs to the sand, near enough for the three to be washed back to the sea. Bringing them back in Manila might kill them. Six hours in the bag, gasping for air and seawater would be the last environment these little creatures would thrive. They belong to the seashore, not on the foggy urbanside. I stopped for a while to watch the first wave covered the three. Then there were none…

“Mas inuuna mo pa yang pagkanta na yan. May mapapala ka bas a pakanta-kanta mo?”

“Kaya mo na yan…”

“Wag kang uuwi until hindi ka pa natatapos dyan. Deadline nyan bukas.”

I looked down and I knew, it was only me who was wearing slippers, the rest are barefoot, making my footprints the most distinctive if one came looking back the trail. Because of the thick slippers, mine has the most pressure, therefore the deepest of the marks. With one large wave sweeping the shore, the footprints are gone, except mine…

It has always been hard being the strong and the know-it-all. As leader, having the will and having the knowledge will make me being looked up, respected, but not being reached out. I’m screaming on the top of my lungs for help and all I can hear is, “Kaya mo yan. Kaya ka nga nilagay dyan dahil alam mo yan.” Once people see the sacrifices I have made, to the point of amost dying and losing my head, that’s the only time help will be offered. But alas, sacrifices can never be undone!

All people will come looking forward to the things left to be accomplished by me, and from the smallest glitch, thousands of blame will be raining upon me. What reaction can you get just from them waiting for me and doing nothing.

Comparisons are always at my mercy of hearing! You should’ve been like this, you should’ve been like that, you should’ve done that, you should’ve done this. All they see is the things they want me to be, not realizing the pain and ego loss I’m been going through from the mere comparisons they would tell me.

All this time, all I have to do is to understand, from the lamest of excuses to the gravest of threats. I have to learn every responsibility for everyone to be replaced by me in case of absences or incapacity to do the work.

Its been tiring, that my life is being influenced by the command and comment of others. Its time to be myself and be independent, not caring what other thinks or says. I’ll never falter, because I have the strength and wisdom that God has given me. When time comes that I may be needed, I may come, that’s sure, through every way possible, but NEVER DEPEND ON ME. EVER.

It’s already dark, we have to hurry to the villa, dinner’s about to be served. We still have to wash ourselves before digging in into the sumptuous meal.

Raptusinco! Part 4

Kung mahilig ka magDotA, tiyak makakarelate ka sa next Raptusinco topic ko. Nung college days ko pa, medyo naadik ako sa larong yan, na akala ko dati boring. Masaya pala, matipid pa, kasi hindi na kailangan ng internet para makapaglaro. Basta nakanetwork ang mga pc’s, okey nang laban-laban ang sampung friendships, 5 on each faction, the Sentinels and the Scourge. Hindi sya mahirap laruin, kasi isang map lang ang paglalabanan. Ang puntirya, masira ang Tree of Life ng Sentinels at ang Frozen Throne ng Scourge, (na hindi naman talaga nasisira, makikita lang sa hit points). Andyan pa ang friendly neighborhood na mga stores, dun ka bibili ng mga gamit at pampalakas ekek. At shempre, ang mga friendly creeps na walang ibang ginawa kundi sumugod at magpakamatay sa ngalan ng ikakalevel-up ng mga heroes na pipiliin ng mga players on the start of the game. Anyway, hindi ko na explain ang iba pang mechanics ng game at mahahabla tayo ng Blizzard.

Madalas gawan ng mga gay names ng aking mga tropapipz ang mga heroes ng DotA. Five of the most favorite are being listed below. Enjoy playing!

Abbading the Lord of Avernus

Sya ay isang makapangyarihang king na namumuno sa mga Sentinels na matalo ang mga Scourge, pero medyo naging gahaman sa kapangyarihan ang mokong. Ayun, na persuade ng mga Scourge na sumali sa kanila, mas powerful daw kasi maging Scourge at mas maganda raw kasi ang costume nya kapag naging Lich King na sya, forever and ever amen pa ang life nya. Kaya go, upuan na ang Frozen Throne. Panalo ang mount nya, skeleton horse. In other words, kabayong zombie, wala nang balat at laman. Buto na lang. San ka? Greatest power nya na agawin ang oras sa mga kalaban nya, para maunahan nya ang ito bago pa makatira. Back to the Future ba ang eksena.

Baklinks the Bone Fletcher

Isa syang archer na namatay na elf, dahil sa digmaan sa Middle Earth. Kapatid ito ni Legolas at pinsan naman ni Robin Hood at pamangkin ni Green Arrow ng Smallville. Hindi nya matanggap na namatay siyang hindi na namamaster ang pamamana, kaya’t muling arise from the dead ang drama. Dahil sa impiyerno galling, nag-aapoy ang mga arrows nya, mainit at matulis. At kung tumataas na ang level, bumubilis din at pagtira nya. Siya na ata ang pinakabaklang charater sa DotA, kasi kapag natatalo na, biglang may I disappear ang mokong, wind walk na pala itu, kukuha dawn g life force at dadag arrows sa home base. At isa pa, keri nyang tsumugi ng kakampi kapag lumiliit na ang kanyang hit points.

Kabugna the Oblivion

Parang telenovela ang buhay ng necromancer na itu, narevive kunwari tapos wala na naalala kung san sya nanggaling. Pati pala sa DotA may amnesia efek. Nakalimutan daw nya na kung ano sya nung buhay pa sya, may asawa ba sya, may mga anak ba sya, lalaki ba o babae o bakla o tomboy ba sya, sino mga kinulam nya, ano powers nya, ect. ect. Basta ang alam nya, maganda costume nya at powerful na sya. Mahilig sya sa mga sabug-sabug ekek. Imbyerna lang ang kalaban kapag ginamit na ang powers nyang mang-aagaw ng life powers ng iba. Agaw-lakas itu. Oi, ikaw huh, anu-anu iniisip. Bastus yan kapatid. Ewan ko ba, basta galing sa Scourge and character sa DotA, puro poot at paghihiganti ang drama. Kaloka…

Luna Lafang the Moonrider

Oi, wag nyo ismolin to, pinsan to ni Sailormoon. Pinagkalooban sya ng kapangyarihan ng buwan, understood naman siguro sa name pa lang ng loka. Mabilis na tumira, panalong-panalo pa ang mga spells. Gusto ko ang kanyang powers kasi hindi lang isang target ang tatamaan. Sisigaw lang sya ng “Moon Crystal Hallation!” at yun, bababa na ang powers ng buwan, kabug lahat ng bawat tamaan. Keri rin nyan lumaban with the moonglow on her skin, salamat sa moonlight facial wash at body scrub. According sa story, isa syang tapat na elvish hunter na siguro sa gabi lang sya lumalabas, kasi wala naming buwan pag araw diba? Ang hindi ko mawari ay kung bakit sa kinaliwa-liwanag ng moon powers eh itim na pusa ang sasakyan nya.

Lina Imbyerna the Slayer

Super memorable ang character na itu dahil ako ang nagpangalan, at hindi ko malimutan ang tawang umalingawngaw sa computer shop, nakalimutan ko kasi ang surname ng hitad, kaya nagimbento na lang ako. Mahilig syang pumatay ng mga dragons, hence the title slayer. Panalong-panalo ang orange and blue dress na more fly-fly kapag sya ay nalipad. Yes kapatid! Sya ay nalipad. At ewan ko bakit dinesign syang tumira ng kanyang spells habang nakabukaka. Landi ano? Parang chinacharge muna sa keyfanganess ng hitad bago itira. Shempre, ligwak na kalaban, makaamoy ka ba naman ng **ke** hindi nahugasan ng libong taon. Ewan ko na lang talaga. By the way, mahilig ang hitad sa apoy at kidlat, with matching feminine wash action na rin para fresh ang feeling.

Ayan, five things under the sun, kung may mga suggestion kayo na ilagay dito, gawa lang kayo ng list, basta lima lang, and state the common denominator in each. Ang mga tinuran dito ay para lamang pagkatuwaan, kaya wag seryosohin. Tandaan, ang tamaan, (sabay tapik sa noo) GUILTY!