Du doo du doo du du du doooo, ooooh... As the choir starts the song with an angelic ooing, I felt the tears flooding on the side on my eyes, but shouldn't be seen; as crying may differ my voice, ruining the performance.
"Lately I've been winning battles left and right..."
It was late in the morning, Sunday, sleepy as I may feel, having the most luxurious 12-hour sleep after seven weeks, I have to wake up to tend to my laundry which is stacking up in the bin, amongst the rest of the things that I have in mind that I have to do for the day. First off, picking the cellphone, I woke up reading Richard's text that one of my colleagues in college has passed the board exams after three trials. I feel so happy for my friend, for he continously tried the exams despite the level of difficulty. It made my day a bit brighter, despite all the heartaches I'm trying to evade.
Just like a year ago when I passed the Board Exams, placing 8th out of the 94 examinees. It was the time of my life, then; passing the board, earning my license, the family having the second engineer, meeting my special someone. It was a bliss swimming with all the memories of the year passed. But then, all I have are thoughts of those times, wishing that I could turn back the time and be in those moments to relieve my pains.
"But even winners can get wounded in the fight"
I went home early last morning from an overnight shift. I slept for only two hours the other day, and three hours the day before that; and at the slightest closure of my eyelids, I could fall into slumber, even at the noisiest street. That particular shift was a knock-out, literally. I have two escalated calls (while trying to calm the customer, all sorts of curses are shouted back, customer could have just shouted "Avada Kedavra!" with a wand pointing on the other line satisfy herself!), one one-hour call and two consecutive 60% evals, due to notes error, I'm running at an average of 78% this month, client wants 85%. I have recieved my latest schedule, 10:30 pm till 7:30 am, SPLIT OFF on Wednesdays and Sundays for three weeks. I have to file for a leave next Saturday for me to watch the finals night of my boyfriend's choir competition (he is the conductor anyway) and until now, the approval is undetermined. While going home, my ex-boyfriend's close friend confessed that he was courting another guy while we are still on, confirming the third-party issued that caused the "Falling Out of Love" that ended the relationship. As I get home, my father persuades me to make it up with my elder sister, after the months, soon to be year of no talk and 'you're invisible to me' status. I tried to talk to him out of it, for I can just do just yet what he's asking me of. What she did was nothing I can easily forget, for it had made me suffer to much, those things that made sudden turns for me and as time goes by, its harder for me to go back to where I've started since everything was fine. She's leaving to work someplace out of the country in a couple of days, but that didn't gave me the reason to work things out with her.
"People say that I'm amazing I'm strong beyond my years.."
Yes, I've been a leader since I was a student, I was a former Editor-in-Chief for the school magazine, a manager for a College-level choir, and a Secretary for the course organization (just imagine my College days then, huh?); trying to solve all issues and problems, create decisions, lead the rest of the subordinates for a common goal and plan. I'd have the luxury of a five-hour sleep on normal days and three on toxic days. Even while on training on my first job, I have to lead and unite 30 people who I don't know that much to be able to help them do the work we are supposed to do in the next weeks proceeding that training. People will be looking up to me and say, "Hey, you're the Man of the Hour!"
"But they don't see inside of me I'm hiding all the tears..."
People would say I'm someone they can lean on, someone who will always be there, someone to call in trying times, a shoulder to cry on, a steadfast lover, a strong soul. Everyone would see me as great as they think I am, or what am I showing, but the thing is...
"They don't know That I come running home when I fall down'
They don't know Who picks me up when no one is around..."
I'm not a tower that stands tall and strong, I'm just a bamboo shoot that sways at the will of the wind..."I drop my sword and cry for just a while
I'm not a rock that stays untouched and rigid after all the blows, I'm just a hardened clay that forms however my Master wants me to be, than softens at the touch of water...
I'm not an man with honor and glory after ever battle that I won over, I'm just a little child walking in the rain, crying for help, soaking wet, wanting for shelter...
I'm not a just brain that analyzes and understands, I also have a heart that is loves, cares, gets hurt and feels pain...
I'm not a piece of wood that splinters my oppressor, I am a human that bleeds when the skin is cut...
'cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child "
With all these things happening to me, I can't help but to scream inside in pain. I would cry my tears to sleep and wake feeling the same pain that doesn't seem to ebb away. I'm mingling in the dark path that I'm not supposed to walk unto, shivering in the coldness of despair and hopelessness. All I want is to be loved and be cared for, and for the slightest feeling that the world denies that simple need, I would sink into my fears, cry till I realize that I didn't need the world to be happy, but hence the world needs me, despite everything that I may be going through.
"Unafraid because his armor is the best..."
But then, there are people who continually believes in me even if I may be at my worst, and when someone like You came in my life, it felt that my life has another purpose. When life came tumbling down, Your presence gave me all the courage to stand once again. Knowing your story, how much you've done with your life and how you made yourself the man that exists today, made me realize that alas, I was a squire for difficulties in life. Your story was an inspiration, and with you falling for someone like me, its like a another life that you breathe in me that will make me go on, continue with life and face every morning with hope, joy and courage. I wanted to be the shelter when storms are raging in your life, a tower that can let you see the beauty of the earth in a pedestal, a rock that will shelter you inside for you not to get hurt, a wood that will splinter anyone who tries to bother your slumber, and a brave man with a heart to love you and a mind to fight for you.
"But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest..."
Sometimes, I can't avoid to disappoint You, I never expected You were asking more of me that what I can do. You're disappointment made a sudden change of our story, You were not as loving as what you are before, your sweetness dies down everyday. And the worst thing, ITS KILLING ME SLOWLY, every morning that I never receive a message from you feels a breath less in my lungs, a beat less in my heart.
"People say that I'm amazing I never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies That lay me at his feet..."
All I'm ever wishing is that I could make things up for You, at the least, if I cannot bring back the old feeling that You have for me. I'm down on my knees, begging at the mercy of Your understanding. I'm just a man wanting so much to be loved by someone like You. Don't let this
warrior fall again, I beg you, for when the strength dies completely and the hope fades, the child inside will mourn eternally.I love You, I just can't lose you...
As the choir goes back to the chorus, ending it with the transposition notes, from piano to fortessissimo, the pain deepens, intesifies, it likes to get out like a ferocious monster waiting to consume what's left of me...
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