It’s the last day of January. Time flies so fast that a few more days left and it’s my 23rd hatching day. Unlike the rest of the soon-to-be birthday celebrators, I don’t feel the excitement knowing that another year in my life is about to close. To me, its just but another day to pass. Another 24-hour cycle that will come, tick and end sooner. Bitter ba? Hindi naman. Just learning. Problem nowadays is that, most of us are expecting greetings, gifts, parties on our birthdays. But in my case, the story is different. All my birthdays since my 17th are mere preparations for another event. A very sad event. A haunting memory yet a life changing realization.
It was February 8, 2001 at 12 midnight when my mom passed away. Three days before, February 5, 2001, I celebrated my 17th birthday with everyone rushing to my mom with her delirious condition. Her diabetes has damaged her kidney and was out of control. The damaged turned to be irreversible and the toxins her body should be releasing has spread throughout her frail body. No one seemed to remember that it was my special day for an urgent situation is to be attended to. I understood that. But if felt so bad. My mom on that horrible condition and me being forgotten. I angrily asked God why He has to make me and my mom suffer on those days that we should be celebrating. I became so selfish that I haven’t spared time taking care of my mom in her near-death days. When I came back to my senses, it was too late. She is gone. There is an uncontrollable regret and self-anger in me, until now. I don’t know how to redeem myself from this pain. Even if I spend my whole life doing to others the things I haven’t done to my mom, she will never return. That’s why all birthdays speaks of sorrow for me. None can replace the loneliness I feel. Not a gift, not a greeting.
This burden, I must carry throughout my life.
It was February 8, 2001 at 12 midnight when my mom passed away. Three days before, February 5, 2001, I celebrated my 17th birthday with everyone rushing to my mom with her delirious condition. Her diabetes has damaged her kidney and was out of control. The damaged turned to be irreversible and the toxins her body should be releasing has spread throughout her frail body. No one seemed to remember that it was my special day for an urgent situation is to be attended to. I understood that. But if felt so bad. My mom on that horrible condition and me being forgotten. I angrily asked God why He has to make me and my mom suffer on those days that we should be celebrating. I became so selfish that I haven’t spared time taking care of my mom in her near-death days. When I came back to my senses, it was too late. She is gone. There is an uncontrollable regret and self-anger in me, until now. I don’t know how to redeem myself from this pain. Even if I spend my whole life doing to others the things I haven’t done to my mom, she will never return. That’s why all birthdays speaks of sorrow for me. None can replace the loneliness I feel. Not a gift, not a greeting.
This burden, I must carry throughout my life.
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